Coming Out?

It was yet another typical holiday spent in front of the computer; the humdrum is really getting to my nerves. It isn't that I'm not glad I finally have a break after the intense revision for the Exams. I've been complaining steadily since then. I guess I will never be satisfied. Then again...who will?

I need money! Why can't i find suitable weekday job? Then I'd be spared from this monotony too!

Sighing, i opened trevvy.com as always.

No mails nor kisses again? How depressing...

After browsing through the forums and exhausting my limited hotbod views, I decided to go cool off and have a shower. I left the computer as it is, without "switching user", as I normally will when I'm not alone at home.

Bubbles flew from the circle formed by my fingers. It has always been one of the joys of showering since young- creating bubbles. It wasn't until I discovered something else that required the same placement of my fingers that I've neglected this joy.

A bubble popped.

Right after, I heard the familiar ring of the keys, the unlocking of the door and it slamming shut.

Mom's home.

I continued indulging in this act of merriment while lathering myself up. A few bubbles flew to the floor and remained there, forming hemispheres.

How great was it to be a child. Free of worries, struggles, boredom. I could have literally spent hours playing with bubbles in the shower without complaint. It's virtually impossible now, though.


"LMO! GET OUT OF THE TOILET RIGHT NOW!," screamed my mom.



 The sound waves seemed to be aimed at the bubbles. They burst and vanished into thin air.

Shocked, I rinsed off all the soap on my body...thinking what could she be mad at? I stepped out of the shower as quickly as I could dress and knew what went wrong.

She was glaring right into my computer screen.

~



ok i cant really be bothered to write in proper english now so i shall end it right there. LOL
i've never particularly liked narrative writing.

 This is just part of my DREAM with a little imagination

(cos just as they say in inception, there usually isnt a beginning in a dream)

the second part of the dream was a blur. it involved a priest coming to my house (we're a buddhist/taoist family) to bless me or something?

if your parents were to find out that you are gay, what would you do?

what would they do?

send you to a gay conversion programme? (click and the lance carroll guy at 14:18 is damn cute. :D:D:D:D but his story is such a nightmare. his mom went livid and after she found out. i tot moms are supposed to be more supportive?)

(digress. it's preposterous! hitting a pillow with a tennis racquet can "cure" homosexuality? fuck i hope he burns in purgatory for scamming those people. and it's a church for goodness sake! if you are sincere about helping ppl to "convert", what's with the charge? people who can't afford to buy the package have to remain gay then?!

i really doubt that homosexuality is a choice. i knew i like guys since forever ago and i was pretty accepting of it. i did not go through the denial period at all.

if you're gay, i think you should just embrace it; instead of suppressing it and forcing yourself to date, marry and have kids. or you'll end up like the irritating guys on IRC who proudly claims to be married and seeks guys to have sex with.

how tragic. for their wifes and children. 

my friend told me this story about his friend who was into older guys chatting with this guy on IRC. when they decided to meet up, his friend actually spied at a corner and realised the guy he was supposed to meet at that place was his father. wtf right?!)

anw seriously, i hope i do not have to come out. ever.

i think it will just be pure awkwardness.

i know there are many open gays out there like bubu and i totally admire their courage!

it's just, personally, i'd feel very uncomfortable if my family members should know.

what's your take?

Games

i'm not experienced in relationships (rls) at all.
i've ony had one ex whom i think CHEATED ON ME WTFBBQ!

lol.

so yeah. i recently added this alumnus on msn.
cos i heard from a friend that he came out in jc and was kinda persecuted.
a parent actually told him to "screw out of *** (his sch's name)" cos he was gay.

i mean WTF right.
SCREW HOMOPHOBES!

seriously...i wish that their son suddenly became gay and i'd love see how they deal with it.

and what are homophobes afraid of?

that we'd fall in love with them?

if you're legitimately cute, i can still accept it.

but if you are a walrus and look like the guy who kissed kurt in glee, 

PLEASE DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF!

and even if you're real cute and there are gays flocking over you, what are you afraid of?
that we'll eat u for lunch?
it's not like we'll stalk you to no end. (i'm speaking for the majority. let's leave the despo outliers aside)
shldnt you be kinda flattered instead of feeling disgusted. ._.


anw so yeah we chatted really well.
i guess at first i added him out of sympathy and wanted to give him encouragement (yes i'm a saint thank you)
and because he's kinda cute?
at first i really didnt harbour any thoughts about ltr...
but we started flirting and he kept asking me for the real reason i've added him.
so after rationalising, i tot he's kinda cute and he lives near me so why not give it a try
thus, i made it look like i've an ulterior motive for adding him
but, you know, being the bitch that i am who loves my face, i turned the table around and made him the one to ask "maybe we can go further?" instead.

and the next day, i went to his house and we hj-ed.
i was his 2nd.
LOL.
we lay on the bed for a while and i was lying on his shoulders.
kinda sweet. it has been a long time since i've felt that way.
then you know, the hanky-panky began after i felt his hard-on with my elbow.
i started sliding my fingers along his body, he's super ticklish btw and was squirming all the way HAHHAA. (ok i'm ticklish too. cant stand it but it's funny when i tickle other ppl)
and finally my fingers came down to his dick.
it was freaking WET!
he had his pants on, with underwear underneath and his precum seeped through both layers.
ok maybe i'm inexperienced but it's the first time i've seen it happenning.
meanwhile, i felt something going on around my crotch area.
but it wasnt at my dick!
his fingers were grabbing smth else -.-
after a while i was like, eh you know that isn't my dick right?!
him: huh? really ah?

i mean WTF.
it's not like i'm small or anything such that it's impossible to locate.
and i'd understand if some straight guys cant locate a cb and mistake the anus for one.
but my dick was hard and it was a protrusion, not a depression like a cb!
idk wat he was grabbing for that period of time.
-.-

so yeah, the usual happened.
i jerked him off first and yeah he returned the favour.

and HE CHASED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AFTER CLEANING UP.
as in not really chased but said smth like "eh i think you shld go...mom works nearby"

OK FINE.

i'd leave.
returned home.
was hoping he'd msn me (his phone spoilt) so couldnt sms.


nothing.

the next day...

nothing.

and i was getting quite angry.
i mean, you asked me to "go further" and you ignore me after sex?!
(ok idc wat others say, it's still sex even though we did not anal. so long as 2 persons, dicks and cumshots are involved, it's sex)

so i decided to spite him and with the help of this friend, whom i shall call AN, i pretended that i've a bf.
so i added AN into our msn convo and he was like "eh lmo(little mister obsessive), ur bf told me u guys went to watch a movie just now..."

he appeared to be pretty cool with it which led me to believe he knew it was all a lie.
i continued flirting with him .
everything seemed normal.
so on the 3rd day, i was kinda horny, and asked if he'd lend me a book i saw on his shelf.
he said ok and told me to meet him at the mrt.
i was like oh ok...disappointed lah!

didnt really think much of it until i came back home and msned him again.
then i realised HE REALLY THOUGHT I HAD A BF.
i mean, what kind of person would tolerate it right?!
if you asked someone to stead, and the next day he came back flaunting his bf in your face, would you still be friendly towards that guy?
i'd have gone livid and unleashed my tongue on him!

so after i revealed the truth.
he was like "omy...i've a big headache now."

me, sensing smth was wrong, "why? someone else you like?"

at this point of time, i was conversing with AN cos i confided in AN that i kinda like this guy and all. and asked why he's ignoring me etc. you know, the usual aj confidant kind of person...
previously i've also intro-ed AN to that guy...

then AN suddenly said "eh i think i'm the one he likes"

i asked him. confirmed it.
and i was like WTF FML.

super drama serial -.-

seriously, i've only myself to blame for playing such games right?
i cldnt have blamed AN cos i know him and he wldnt dare flirt with that guy...
it was just normal conversation.
i cldnt blame that guy cos he really thought i was with someone else and gave up hope on me...and AN is very entertaining and has quite an addictive personality...i liked him once before. nong nong time ago. (dun gloat if u read this)

and right now he cant make a decision if he wants me or AN.

but seriously, do you think AN would dare to be with him?
i knew AN since...early this year and i think he'd not want to compromise this friendship just for that guy?
not that i'd have blamed AN.

but well, knowing AN, he wldnt do such a thing to me.
so his obvious choice would be ME right?!

wtf does he need to choose for.

but obviously, i didnt tell him that.
i had to pretend to be very mature about it.
and i went "oh i wldnt want to influence your choice. i cant sway you or it will be insincere and i would hate that"

wtf super fake!

but what was i to do?
tell him how he'd be hanging on false hopes that he can be with AN?

and the worst thing is, he'd be overseas for three freaking weeks.
so i'd be left hanging.
right here in SG.
rowr. :(
hate this!

crushes

haha am i the only one who's had like tonnes of crushes...
but depressingly, none has ever worked out :(


i dont know when my first crush became.
perhaps it was in primary school...when i thought of classmates and teachers when i jerked off?
:X
gosh...i was damn sick.

hmm. the first real crush i rmb clearly was ja,
a well-mannered tanned senior who has the best temperament ever.
it's impossible to piss him off; but somehow i managed to.
kudos to my eq :)

but well, at some point of time, another senior, i shall call him isabelle (that's what my friends and i call him for discretion), attracted me.
i found him super cute! hahaha. we chatted really well on msn because he was ultra caring!
my crush got deeper when he hugged me on my birthday.
imagine my elation!
he was the longest-lasting crush i've ever had.
i thought of him daily. no, make that hourly.
i'd see him online on msn, but i'd be too shy to start a convo.
was always over the moon whenever he decides to msn me.
i still rmb clearly, i managed to get him to msn me through one of my schemes.

it was after sze chuan earthquake and ppl were sending donations over.
there was this viral rumour that if you add *rainbow or smth similar in front of your msn display name, $0.05 would go to this charity.
and so everyone, including him and myself, added it to the front of our display name.
later on fb, i noticed that he posted this msg "the rainbow thingy is a scam...it doesn't work" (or something similar...cant rmb the exact message)
feeling cheated, i removed it at once.
but after hoping desperately that he would msn me, i schemed and replaced that emoticon on my display name.
and just as how a mouse would enter a trap, he msn-ed me to inform me that it was a hoax.

I AM SUCH A GENIUS. :)

i was so obsessed with isabelle.
stalking him on facebook/friendster everynight.
i stalked ja on friendster frequently previously as well
(cos at that point of time, facebook just began gaining popularity. i was so paranoid that he'd find out i actually turned on the "private browsing" function, which prohibited me to see who viewed me simultaneously. but who cares. i could view his profile without him suspecting that i was a stalker! )

i was later convinced to migrate to facebook by isabelle who said "facebook doesnt have ah lians. it's too complicated for them to used"

hilarious right?
and i guess he is right. i've not seen "miee lurbx eeuuu worhxxxx" since i've joined fb.

and yes, i got so obsessed with him that when a junior got unnaturally close to him, i actually hated that junior.
he's one of those act-cool-buay-cool (acbc) kia who'd suck up to anyone in power.
(yes this is my biased representation of him. get over it. it's my blog and i'm always right)
 it all seems so childish now. haha.
but i was 14. cant blame sum1 who's barely a decade old for being immature right?

after a while, the crush died off.
maybe cos he didnt msn me anymore. he was bz with his o levels and he had handed his exco duties over to the next batch and neednt PR with his juniors anymore.
and maybe cos i found out that he had a gf whose name i still rmb! yc were her initials :X
that slut! hahaha.
and i confirmed he  was straight as a rod when a friend gossiped to me about this senior confessing to him but got rejected cos he was not into guys. he became his "kor" after that.

wtf, maybe if i had confessed we'd be closer now.

(oh i was frm an all-boys sch btw)

haha oh well. but he graduated soon after and i never talked to him since.
:(

i got into a new class and began crushing on 4 guys.
djdj!
hahaha. yep. their names began with "d"s and "j"s.
oh and i made this observation that most of my crushes name ended with "n".
and during the isabelle-crushing period, i had 2 other crushes as well. and all 3 had white specs!

(on the sidenote i actually confessed to one of them at the end of the year when i was working at this boring place. i wld sms him everyday.
finally, i mustered enough courage to say "hey i kinda like you". 
he was like "oh?"

"what does that mean? arent you freaked out or smth?"

"nth. and nope i'm not"

i forgot what i said after that...
but he sent me this "i dont like girls"
i actually slept on him in our trip to china.
i was such a slut...told him i was cold and slept beside him.
later, i inserted my hands under his shirt, using "ur body is warm and my hands are freezing" as an excuse to hug him to sleep.
later into the night, i realised he had a hard on!
i guess it was just morning wood but i managed to well, brush against it while pretending to be asleep.
:X he avoided me ever since! HAHAHA)



OK BACK TO DJDJ.
i liked them cos they were hot.
yes call me superficial. i am super superficial btw.
i'd glance at them while they change. hahahahahahahaha.
omg.
i'm sure it's a stage all gays go thru right?!

d1- not really cute then. nerdy in fact. with pimples populating his face. but his chest was oh-so-hot. and he was very friendly to me.

j1- tanned. cute. hot. need i say more? thou i think he knew i like to stare and always avoid changing in front of me

d2- tanned as well. pleasant personality. smart. elite. kinda hot bod (cos of his tan) with a slight tummy.

j2- idk wat i saw in him. haha. face kinda cmi. i was super attracted to his bod! it wasnt defined or anything. but it was perfect, not too much fats. furthermore, he'd talk to me abt masturbation, dick size, porn and stuff. later on, he turned against me. kept antagonising me. i suspect it's cos he's homophobic (yes i ain't the most straight-acting gay out there) under the category of fearing that he himself is gay. thus i'm the perfect target to vent his frustration on. we shall wait and see :)  or maybe it's cos my crush on him was too evident! but i think the former is more plausible. HAHAHHAA

got over them as well.
hahahhaha! crushes are meant to fade with time right?!
ok there was this point i was seriously into d1. like isabelle-serious.
we got so close that classmates actually questioned if we were tgt.
i'd walk super close to him and feel his chest muscles with the back of my arm as it automatically brushes onto his chest when we walked.
but in the end, nothing worked out.
i didnt even confess but...
he kept telling me he is straight.

haha. he's still nice to me though :)
actually he is nice to everyone.
wish i've a personality like him.
with no opinions about other ppl.
ok he still has ppl he dislikes but they are the kind u'd hate with your guts. passionately.


currently, there's someone i kinda like but i've screwed it up with one of my games. this warrants for another blog post.
and there's another crush before this and it'll come after yet another post about bffs :)
i've to blog about a dream i had of my parents discovering my orientation too.
and about irc- creepy married guys, hookups