fragility

"everyday that i am still living is a gift from god," said jojo's mom when she was fighting cancer. it had debilitated her so much that she's just skin and bones. despite this, she lived everyday cheerfully. her strength is truly admirable. i wasn't close to her though, but i last saw her when she came to my house to pass something to my parents. for a patient that underwent chemotherapy, i guess she was surprisingly vivacious.

jojo's only 18; his brother 15. i cant imagine how difficult it was for them to go through this. from what i've heard, for a period of time, they actually tried to live as though she wasn't there, so that they will learn to be independent of her. it wasn't only until one of their church friend told jojo that it wasn't right, they should be cherishing the days that she's still around instead, that they actually got closer.

i am not exactly close to jojo either. we can talk well when we meet up during special occasions, but do not usually keep in contact.

i first got wind of the news when i came back home from chalet after i slept. i woke up around 8 and my sister broke it to me. initially, i thought she was just pulling my leg as she was smiling slightly. i don't know why she smiled. perhaps because she's still a child, the thought of death doesn't scare her.

i wanted to go down right after i learnt about it. but it was late and i had to work the next day. couldn't sleep that night. accompanied my parents when they drove my siblings to school in the morning. slept for a few hours when i returned home after breakfast and left for work.

it was finally time for me to knock of and i rushed down to the place. my parents were already there. there were familiar faces, of relatives we see only on those occasions as well. greeted them and looked for jojo. he was actually joking with his church friends when i saw him. he stood up and we walked towards each other...i hugged him. he was still smiling. then, he brought me to the coffin and i peered through the glass. he smiled and said, 'she's beautiful, ain't she?"

i didn't know what to reply...but only smiled back. then, i noticed that she was so thin that her skin seemed to cave in at temples.

after that, i heard him conversing with a friend. that friend was saying, "i think it happened at the right time. you'll grow to be more matured." i wanted to slap him right then and there. i know he was just trying to encourage him. but hello, there is NEVER a right time to lose someone you love.

i stayed for the night, since the cremation was the next day. didn't really get to talk to him individually as there was an auntie (unrelated. their church friend) who offered to stay. so ironic since none of our relatives stayed
maybe bcos the father didn't want to bother anyone.

they took turns to watch over the body. his dad went up and slept through the night. for the first part of the night, it was just that auntie, jojo and i. he was actually telling us how his brother doesnt seem to be able to express his feelings. everytime he asks him how he felt, he'd give placetory replies or say "idk".

he went up when he was tired. his bro came down a little later. after talking to his bro, i realised he actually feels lonely. his bro was busy with his studies and work, his dad only comes home when he needs to do invoice. his mom was his company at home. i only got the chance to highlight this to him after the cremation when all of us returned to the void deck.

the service before the cremation was fucked up. sorry, i don't mean to insult any religion. but i seriously feel there is a right place and time for everything. evangelising during a funeral service is barely acceptable. but evangelising to the point that the schedule was delayed is purely imbecilic. we could only use the service room for a certain time as there were others scheduled to use it as well. except for one eulogy delivered by jojo, the whole service time was wasted for evangelism.

we were actually called "sinners" throughout the time. i'm sorry that i do not share your faith that it's sinning just because you do not believe in him.

in the end, they persisted in finishing the reading instead of allowing us time to pay our last respects to her. we did not even get to place flowers on her coffin before it was sent in.

the only good thing about it was that i was so distracted being angry at them that i only teared for the early part of the service. 5 pieces of tissue. i think i cried more than jojo did. i dont know why, i just kept thinking of how they'll miss her and i'll start. :X





i think i shall end it here abruptly as idk how to continue.

really hope they will have the strength and courage to get through this. mourn through this period and always keep her close to their hearts as they move on with life.